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Condoms To Go (8/27/00)

Driving up North Central Expressway the other day, I noticed a big billboard sign just this side of Mockingbird Lane advertising the, uh, 'boutique' shop - Condoms To Go.

I wasn't shocked, but I became instantly curious as to why the name specified "To Go".

Of course, after a couple of seconds it dawned on me that the owner(s) probably decided to call it Condoms To Go as an efficiency measure. This way, by having the name of the establishment include the words "to go", the clerks won't have to waste any time asking consumers, "Is that for here or to go?" Since the name of the store says "to go", customers should obviously know that they're supposed to buy their desired product(s) and then, you know ... go.

So I wouldn't expect to hear the question, "Is that for here or to go?", inside the Condoms To Go store. And I got to thinking about other common consumer questions and phrases that I would NOT expect to hear inside a shop like Condoms To Go: (some of you may need to think about some of these ...)

  • "Want fries with that?"

  • "You can super size it for just 39 cents more."

  • "Sure. The fitting room is in the back."

  • "Paper or plastic?"

  • "Would you like to take a test drive?"

  • "Satisfaction guaranteed"

  • "One size fits all."

  • "30-day Money Back Guarantee"

  • "Buy now, pay later."

  • "Layaway"

  • "I'm looking for something that doesn't make me look quite so big."

  • "No, I don't have a trade-in."

  • "We can hold it for up to 90 days. But you'll have to make a deposit."

  • "Factory re-conditioned and refurbished."

  • "Like new"

  • "Recycled"

  • "100 Free Weekend Minutes!"

  • "500 Free Online Minutes (if used in the first 30 days)"

  • "You can always return it if it doesn't fit."

  • "The gift that keeps on giving."

  • "Next day delivery."

  • "Do you know much your trade-in is worth?"

  • "Happy hour specials"

  • "Labor Day is just around the corner."

  • "What have you got to lose?"

  • "Senior citizens discount"

  • "We service all makes."

  • "24-hour help line."

  • "No overtime service charges."

  • "It's the next best thing to being there."

  • "It's time to get what you deserve."

  • "We're only paid when you collect!"

  • "Do it yourself and save."

  • "Free local pickup"

  • "Free loaner service (with appointment)"

  • "Where's the beef?"

  • "Will I need a second coat?"

  • "Bonded and insured"

  • "Professional installation available"

  • "Operators are standing by!"

  • "Summer Blowout Savings!"

  • "Grand Opening Sale!"

  • "50% off all accessories."

And then, these omni-present TV jingles might seem a little out of place:

Microsoft commercial: "Where do you want to go today?"
Cisco commercial: "Are you ready?"
Nortel (Beatles rip-off) commercial: "Come together, right now, over me."
Sun commercial: "We put the 'dot' in 'dot cum'." (I meant, 'dot com'.)
Then a few days later ...

Please note two inaccuracies from my message the other day:

1. Condoms To Go is not at Mockingbird and North Central, it's a few miles further north on Walnut Hill.

2. It wasn't a billboard that I saw, it was the actual neon sign on the building itself that says in bold red: CONDOMS TO GO.

In case you should happen to go looking for it, just be careful that you don't confuse it with the store on the other side of the parking lot: Just For Feet.

(I'm not making this up.)

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